PYO Apples — The Millionaire’s Edition

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October 8, 2012 by gossiportsmouth2

Inspired by Christopher Columbus, the original Italian Stallion, we set out on a voyage of discovery yesterday. And while we did not have three sailing vessels to call our own, we also did not think we were headed to India. In fact, we were headed straight to Applecrest, the seemingly picturesque orchard in Hampton, NH that has caused generations of people to ask themselves, “The same Hampton with a beach?” The correct response: “Yes.” And, as it turns out, basically the same people go to both the beach and the orchard, but instead of wearing string bikinis and eating ice cream the people at Appecrest are wearing baggie sweatshirts and eating ice cream.

And just like Christopher Columbus, we set up shop at Applecrest like it was our God-given right. But we forgot to bring our giant “G” flag (G for Gossiportsmouth, obviously — we shouldn’t have to explain that), so we took over the territory the only other way we know: eating. What was there to eat? Just the best apple cider donuts this side of NH Rt. 88. The apple cider donuts were so good we got a bag of 6 to split between the two of us and we ate all six of them without taking a breath.

The country store came next with bags of apples, apple cider, jars of honey, frozen turkey pies (which, interestingly enough only had turkey in them and on the label said: “No Vegetables.” Okay, gottcha, no need to be harsh), tomatoes, maple syrup, and jams. So you shouldn’t be surprised when we were like, “Hey, is this the Deerfield Fair because you’ve got the makings of a true New England fair here — just minus the prize ribbons.”

At least they warn you that you might die

Then the ice cream barn, which was oddly quiet on a chilly morning. Oh, maple walnut ice cream at 10 AM on a crisp Sunday morning is brilliant. We weren’t there for the beauty contest, we were there to conquer by eating. “Get in my belly!” we yelled at a scoop girl putting some apple pie ice cream into a cup. She may have dropped the cup. Sorry.

And after we strolled through the Fall Festival food court of grilled corn, hot dogs, sausages, and cans of coke and sprite, we headed across the road to the pick your own (PYO) apple orchard. Unlike Columbus we were greeted by natives that seemed to expect something from us. We couldn’t just land on the orchard and take what is ours without forking over $20 for an empty bag. Okay, thank you for the empty bag so that we might put into it what is rightfully ours (namely, mutsu apples), but what’s up with having to pay $20? The only thing you should have to pay $20 for in Hampton is not even a stripper actually, that’s still too expensive. What, was Mitt Romney going to stop by for a bag of apples? Twenty dollars is slightly vengeful. Applecrest: The Most Evil Apple Orchard in Hampton, NH (also the nicest as it turns out, too).

A little sticker shocked, we hopped aboard the tractor for our journey deep into the orchard. We’re not too sure the tractor ride was needed, and when we nearly fell off the tractor because it was trying to do a tricky maneuver around another tractor, we were quite certain that walking into the orchard would have been safer. So after paying the equivalent in college tuition for a bag of apples and almost becoming dismembered on a tractor ride we decided to eat as many apples in the orchard which made our $20 bag rather mute. But then we saw the editor of Smuttynews, our Star Island competition, and decided the bag was best to hold the apples we could later throw at him. (Oh, update on the Anit-Smut(tynews) campaign started by guests on Star Island this summer: there has not been another edition of Smuttynews published.)

Tractor ride of death

The apple orchard at Applecrest had many apple trees. Surprise. What we were actually surprised about, besides learning that Christopher Columbus despised apples and that’s why he left Europe, was the number of apples that easily fall off of trees when you were trying to pick an apple on a completely separate branch. Knowing that, we could easily get away with throwing apples at people because maybe they were just falling out of the trees anyways.

$20 for all that jazz

Finally, with each of us carrying a bag of a dozen apple cider donuts, we jaunted off the Applecrest grounds and into the Santa Maria for our journey back to the fair city of Portsmouth to gather more gossip about the mayor’s possible run for city council next year.

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